Looking for serious advice about relationship with a bargirl

Looking for serious advice about how to proceed with a bargirl that I am in a relationship with.

I have a lot of experience traveling in South East Asia (I work in China), and have been to Pattaya on numerous occasions. On my previous trips I never fell for any girl, and restricted myself to only meeting each girl once.

In August of this year I again visited Pattaya. One night I started chatting with a bar girl, 33. Lovely genuine smile, and not pushy for drinks. Eventually she asked if I had Line or Whatsapp. I said both and asked for her Whatsapp. She said no, Line is better (which for some reason made me suspicious). She later messaged me saying she went to a club with friends, and asked if I wanted to see her. I said that if she is looking for a customer then she is wasting her time with me (I felt genuinely interested in her, and did not want to end up in a situation where I would be paying to see her. I have no problem paying for ST). I suggested that we could meet for a coffee before work the next day. We instead met two days later when she had a day off. We had a great time together. At the end of the evening I asked her if she needed money to stay with me. She said yes, I asked how much, she said how much you can? I told her that I’m interested in her but that I am not interested in ST time with her. She then said she wants to stay with me, no money involved.

She stayed every night for the next 9 nights. Eventually it was time for me to go to Bangkok for a few days, and I decided to barfine her so she could come (5 days). We had a great time, no money involved (of course I paid for drinks/food etc). During this time she also video called her family and introduced me to them. She asked me if in the future I would like to go to Buriram with her for some days. I said yes.

She told me that she just works in the bar, and doesn’t go for ST/LT with anyone. She said she didn’t have any boyfriends since she had been in Pattaya, which she claimed was 3 months (consistent with her facebook posts. She asked for my FB). I didn’t completely believe it but thought let’s just enjoy our time together. One reason I thought she might be different is that she is well educated with a university degree, and previously worked as an interior designer in Bangkok (confirmed).

Back in China she messaged and video called me every day. I thought that once back in China my feelings and interest in her would fade quickly. This however did not happen, perhaps because of the love bombing. She would often go to clubs after work, which she said was just with her friends from work. For several days, which turned into a week, she did not go to work. Initially she said she barfined herself to relax, but later I found out a guy had barfined her and her friend for a week. She maintained that they just went to play pool and drink beer, that she was always with her friend, and that there was no sex involved. She would still call when she got home and in the morning.

I had a one-week holiday coming up so decided to book flights to Pattaya. Told her and she was very happy. Booked the same hotel as before which was right between her room and her bar.

However, eventually my suspicion grew and I checked Thai Friendly to see if she was on there. I found her with a newly created profile (1 hour earlier), stating that she was single and no boyfriend (she told me every day that I was her boyfriend). Subsequently I asked a friend in Pattaya to message her on TF to see if she could go ST. She replied saying yes, but after work. I asked her if she uses any dating apps and she said she has tinder and another one, but not TF, and that she would delete them. Next day I asked her if she had deleted them and she said yes. I checked and saw she still had TF and was still active on it. I then confronted her with a screenshot and told her we were done.

She was about to go to work, but after two hours returned to her room and called me. She looked very upset and didn’t look well. We talked a lot, but after lots of messages and lies I blocked her. I felt pretty shit about it, because I would have liked to have her admit the truth. I now realize this will never happen, and I would just have to accept it.

A few days later I was drunk and unblocked her but did not message her. Within 10 minutes she called me. I told her I can accept everything except lies. Next day I asked her about TF, she said she never messaged anyone, and she had updated her profile stating she has a boyfriend (confirmed). Also told me she has never gone for ST with guys. I then confronted her with the evidence of the conversation she had with my friends. More lies followed, saying she didn’t go (true, because my friend deleted her) and she had no intention of going (I suspect false). Tired of the endless lies, I blocked her again.

I wasn’t sure if I should still go to Pattaya as I knew I would inevitably see her (and subconsciously I wanted to see her). Decided to go and enjoy myself. Had ST with a few girls. Walked past her bar (opposite side of the road), but didn’t look and didn’t respond to her calling out to me. Went for some beers on LK, and eventually she saw me and I saw her (with some guy). Next day I took a moto to Walking Street, and she again called out, which I ignored. Third day I went out and she ran across the road and grabbed me, shaking and crying asking why. I told her why, and that I didn’t want to get into an argument. Gave her a hug and told her goodbye, and left. Went to some bars but felt bad about the earlier encounter so decided to go back to my room to chill. Hotel phone rang at 5:30am. Few minutes later banging on the door. It was her. I ignored it but she kept it up for 30min. Eventually left. Phone rang again, and I thought it was reception and wanted to yell at them for giving her my room number. It wasn’t reception, it was her. Went down to meet her in the lobby. Apparently she had been sitting there since 2am. She said she can’t sleep and has been sick for a week (confirmed). She begged me to let her stay but I didn’t cave in. She told me to unblock her. I said no. I promised her I would swing by her bar the next day so we could have a drink together and talk. I wanted us both to have closure, and didn’t want to see her in pain.

Did as I promised and her friend who speaks better English was kind enough to translate. Eventually got drunk and ended up staying together again for the remaining 4 nights. She went to hospital to get a sick note so she didn’t have to work for two days (she was indeed sick). The final day she barfined herself (we went to the bar together and I saw her pay) so she could spend time with me. Even though she lied, and I know I will never know the full truth, I am reasonably sure that she genuinely likes me a lot. I genuinely like her a lot too. But now I feel like an idiot because this could all have been over now, but my poor decision means I am back where I was end of August. She is on my mind a lot, and I do have a tendency to overthink. I don’t see a long term happy outcome here. I am not going to marry her, and I cannot be in a serious relationship with someone that I cannot trust.

She calls every day, and seems to go out of her way to show me that she isn’t going with anyone. She calls me after work when she is in bed, or sends a picture if I am already asleep. Few days ago she went to apply for a passport (confirmed) because she wants to come to China for a few weeks to be with me. Not sure what to make of this, although the way I currently feel I would like it if she came (no idea what the expectations are with regards to me paying for what).

At the same time, I know there are things she hides from me. On my first trip I would often wake up at 6am or 7am and saw her busy on her phone. On the same trip we went to a bar, and when I came back from the bathroom I saw she was on a video call will some guy. On several occasions she will receive calls from overseas numbers, which she didn’t answer (presumably because I was with her). I asked her today about the calls, and how could they have her number if she doesn’t know them? No real answer, just the standard I don’t know them and I don’t want to know them, I only love you.

Not sure what to think of all of this or what to do next. I really enjoy her company and think she has a great personality. I think her feelings for me are true also. At the same time, I know there are lies, and that really bothers me. I could accept it if she said she works in a bar, and needs money, so will go with guys for ST. I can’t accept it if she does that but cannot be honest about it. Since the whole breaking up and getting back together drama, she seems to be a lot more open, and I wonder if this could be genuine remorse, and that she has changed her ways. I am not hopeful, but would feel awful if she did change and I blocked her.

I also do not know why I actually like her so much. I’m 39, highly educated with a good career, in reasonably shape, and not bad looking. I have money in the bank and two strong passports. I don’t struggle to find a girlfriend, although I am not interested in a relationship with a Chinese woman. What does she bring to the relationship? Having said that you can’t always help who you fall for, and I do not mind having a relationship with someone that has little to offer besides good company. I am happy to take care of and provide for a woman (perhaps not all the sick buffalos though) if she is genuine and trustworthy.

Any comments or advice would be most welcome. I suspect many of you will think I am an idiot, and should not trust her at all. Feel free to tell me just that. I am hoping however that some of you with more experience than me might be able to offer more insightful advice, including how I could test her intentions, and if there is any realistic hope for a genuine relationship.

Apologies for the rather long post!

You should never have a relationship with a bar girl.

I’ve never been with bar girls (I don’t even drink), but I know men who have tried dating them and I know enough about the nature of sex work to say this.

They might fulfill you basic needs like offering you conversation, making you feel acknowledged/important, or even offer sex. The experience might not be that different from a woman outside the sex industry (sex workers are basically normal people anyways, right?)

But it’s all flattery and superficial charm, meant to stroke your ego (or dick) and seduce you. They will never give you a genuine relationship, just an ephemeral interaction that just leaves you perpetually unfufilled.

Sex workers often maintain contact with their clients to sustain the illusion of a relationship and generate stable income. You’ve already seen her do this. You are not as special as she makes you think or feel.

Notice also how she keeps some distance from you. It’s another form of emotional manipulation to make you psychologically dependent on her and wanting her more and more. So that way, you can come back and spend money on her/ her bar.

I have to admit, this bar girl is heavily invested in persona and has mastered her craft really well.

I would not get involved with her either, there are so many woman on dating sites with normal jobs why go the easy option with a bar girl. you would be a catch in SEA.

Although rare it could work out if she wants out of the industry and actually wants to settle down but for me it would be at the back of my mind how many guys she has slept with and they know all the tricks of manipulation. You got to think also what is the next step is, if you cant live in Thailand and she cannot come back with you, you will need to start sending her money so she stays out of the bar its just fraught with all types of problems.